Being a mother is the best thing that's happened to me and by far the hardest job I've ever  had.

Forgive your mother.  

If she's alive-call her today.

If she's gone - she loved you.  Know that.

This is the letter to Alex I did -like I said -hardest job I've ever had.  

***
Dear Alex -

You got your 5th report card for the year and for the 5th time got all As and 1 B+. You get incredulous about the B+ ("I KNOW I am good at ____").  AFTER having validated initially all the good grade talk, it's time to talk about the B+ is really from not getting work finished on time due to the stack of papers in the subject we have to prove it from the teacher and her comments on the report card – and those delays are 100% due to the behavior issues cited.  You are so frustrated by that you put your hands up at me like I do as if to say "stop" and then say, and I'm quoting "yeah, yeah,  yeah, be quiet, pay attention in class – whatever……" and WALK out of the room ending the conversation, shaking me off.

 

I flipped.  I went straight to yelling "YOU COME BACK HERE – YOU DO NOT WALK OUT ON YOUR MAMA – YOU WILL TREAT ME WITH MORE RESPECT" to which now I get blank shut down face and "ok" repeated at me.

8 years old.  2nd grade.  WOW –I have 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. 10, 11 and 12 grade/years to go!

I cannot wait.


mary

i have never in my life been so happy as to be an only child

have a sibling?  tell me - do you love them?  are you close?  do you trust them?  


mary

[link]

At first glance I thought "I Wish I'd done this" – but after looking it over – THIS is why I never wanted Alex to child model. I disagree that "if we see it, children are seeing it" – that implies children see things with the same reactions/impacts an adult may and I don't agree with that.  I also think it does affect the kids to play dress up in some of these ways and being involved in some of these things – frankly the photographer's opinions on the events depicted are being pushed onto the children models by involving them in this way and I'd not want my child in these subject areas at this young an age.  Powerful stuff – controversial – but I find it laughable he is *shocked* at some of the reactions of parents.

I too was on the bandwagon of not posting naked toddlers- innocent or not -and tons disagreed with me.  On that I always said "perhaps you should wait until THEY can decide if they really want themselves naked on the internet at ANY age b/c you do not know if they will care once they are old enough to really get that".  

and I just have to say - thank you to all my watchers that bother to respond or encourage - I'm lucky to get 5 comments these days on an image. When I first came here - I'd average 25 REAL comments.  I think the site is just so vast and so overwhelming large (like a freakin' Walmart mentality of MUST GROW, MUST GROW) people have good intentions but just cannot find the energy and time - myself included. It makes me sad.  


mary

Thierry Cohen - French Photographer

What would Shanghai or NY look like with a full sky of brilliant stars? This French photographer sows us by blending city scenes  - shot and altered to eliminate lights and other distractions - and the night skies from less populated locations that fall on the same latitudes.  The resutl is what city dwellers might see i the absence of light pollution.  Check it out.  

[link]


mary

Alex bought a plastic laser gun this past weekend at an arcade. It's very Buzz Lightyear, sci-fi noises, etc.  VERY childlike and VERY clearly a toy.  He put it in his backpack today to show to friends after school.  He opened his backpack, it  made a noise, another kid noticed the noise, took it and began to admire it.  The teacher sent Alex (not her fault - she had to to avoid losing her job) to the Principal for "having a gun at school" and he was punished by being removed by his peers for lunch and recess for the next three days.

My husband got the gun from the principal and much like his Mommy told him "the world is stupid - even leaders -and zero tolerance doesn't work because the world is not black and white - and we're sorry this happened -and we're not angry and now you know that yes, as lame as it is, you can get in huge trouble for bringing a toy gun to school these days".

He was thrilled his parents were not mad at him.  He was genuinely shocked he had "done anything wrong".  We told him he didn't do anything wrong, he just broke a very stupid, reactionary, bureaucratic rule.  No one, even the teachers admitted, would have mistaken this toy for anything remotely close to something dangerous.

Welcome to the world kiddo....fools with rules are everywhere....don't let them get you down

****

Special thanks to you guys that encourage different things in me.  It can be very discouraging here to play with your art, to experiment - people tend to want only realistic in focus non-human subjects, people you can alter or filter or blur or play with b/c it's a person and DA LOVES photos of people with mood, but honestly - it gets boring to do the same art over and over.  Despite how rewarded that can be here with attention.  So remember - "do not perform for a particular audience, your audience will find you".  

****

My goes out to anyone affected personally more than the sheer depression, anger and sadness we all feel over Boston.  I suspect next year they will have RECORD attendance - you watch.

****

More later - I just had to get some of that off my chest............but here - have some joy:  

[link]




mary

really - don't waste my time

i like photography and photo manipulations and digital paintings and there you go


mary

my grandmother died on Monday night in her sleep.  

i could write for days but if you follow me - you already know the gist of this. named after her, beyond close, and a very fulfilling relationship in my life to say the least.

i am appropriately sad but there is nothing tragic about living to 88 and dying in your sleep.  i'm grateful she went without pain or fear and i am grateful she is free  

proof positive you should live your life with courage and effort - taking the steps to openly love those you love and giving relationships possibility by doing your part

because i am at peace and i know it is because i am 100% positive she loved me immensely and knew that i knew it as well as being 100% positive she knew i loved her immensely.  

nothing, not even death, can "take her away from me"


mary

just thinking out loud to myself some.....


mary

 "Do not create art for your *audience* - your *audience* will find you...."  

Sunday, March 4, 2013

Dear Alex -

Last night you're watching television – Nick at Nite.  The70s Show comes on later around 9pm and you ask if you can watch it. You're a very precocious kid and it IS Nick at Nite, so I say fine as long as I watch with you.  

You love it. It's hilarious.   You love Fez.  You love Kelso.  You love Eric's Dad. You are unphased by *circle time* because any improper or more adult behavior if implied and not shown.  Fine.  We're good.  

This episode is about Jackie and Kelso breaking up. At the VERY end of the show, Kelso is singing a love song and one of the other boys makes a joke and uses the word "whore".  

"Mommy-what does whore mean?"  

I literally hang my head down, close my eyes, take a breath and mumble "ughh……" and I can hear your snickering. You know you've hit a good one!  

SOO – I tell you.    Like always –when it comes – it's time.  So I tell you a few things. I tell you:

A boy or a girl can be called a whore.

A whore has at LEAST two "meanings".  The first one is a person who charges money to have sex with another person.  We speak at length about the morality of that – how it's complicated – how despite the fact I think people with free will can make any decision for themselves (as opposed to the obvious forced behavior not of their free will being NEVER acceptable), I personally would be sad if myself or someone I loved was selling their sex.  This was hard to explain why because it's so personal based on morals, culture, upbringing, experience –and then we speak of tolerance and judging other decisions.
Which led us to the second meaning.  

The word being used to judge others –boys or girls – for ASSUMEDLY having MORE sex than the person judging thinks is acceptable.  Pretty obvious what is so wrong about all of that - things based on assumption, name calling, judging, etc.  The light bulb goes off and you get how the word was used in the show now and why (they were being mean and judging to someone's behavior regarding sex, despite the fact that no money was ever involved –the word has become *ugly* and thus used to be ugly).  

Then we talk about how there are other words for it.  Prostitute, hooker and how in the Rap songs that "ho" is slang for whore.  More lightbulbs go off.  

Then we talk about how it's used more to judge women than men. (Now THAT is a whole new conversation that we will delve into more as you get more into pre-teen –that is 100% sexism and culture.)  We talk about why the word is so ugly and can hurt someone badly- how powerful it's become and how important it is to realize that to avoid hurting someone with it.  How low a base of expression it is.  

You're good- you feel awesome every time you learn something you believe is "adult". You sheepishly smile and ask me if you can say "just one joke".    I know this is normal, you connecting the meanings to make sure you have it right, your reaction to dealing with some of the discomfort of the subject, etc.  Sooo - I allow it.  You say "Whore.  It's what you call your girlfriend when she breaks up with you!"  I barely smile - agree you "used the word right" and we move on, back to recycling the pain of such humour on the subject of the joke.  Basically it's just not the right time for me to be "lightening up" about a joke on it - but I love how honest you are and how safe I make you feel to talk and learn.

So this morning at breakfast I tell Dad (who was out last night) about the show, the word and our conversations.  I think it's key you get the male father perspective on this subject as well.  Dad freaks a little, then smiles and laughs at my challenge last night and then takes over.  He comes later to tell me how THAT conversation went down.  

Dad is huge on the true origin of a word in language and how culture affected it.  So he spoke of how selling sex was seen to upset the "original order" of things. People don't like that –there was long felt feelings regarding sex in society – heavily influenced by religion.  So you had sex for children, not fun. You had sex with your spouse only. You deal with any issues and do not go elsewhere – whores or otherwise.  Etc.  Then as society evolves – much of this changes.  Some does not.  It depends on your generation, your culture, your geographical location/culture, your history, your upbringing, your experiences. Etc. The word morphs into a negative connotation of a lack of self – respect (again, does not necessarily have to be true – does not mean that everyone that chooses to sell their sex literally has a low self-esteem – and granted, that is a very adult concept we didn't delve into this area as much….we'll get there once you are more prone to be struggling with being sexually active, etc.) – hence used to name call.

Of-course last night we also had discussions about why your Dad gets weird when you play in my closet with me and want to try on my flashier things like orange snakeskin shoes and jewelry and shiny pants- but hey –that's another discussion and letter entry I'll do later.

I love you more than life itself.  I love your father for joining me in this unorthodox path of teaching you the TRUTH – in FULL – REGARDLESS of how uncomfortable it might be for us at times – because when you bring it to us, or we stumble into it, or even invite it, kiddo – YOU DESERVE THE TRUTH.    So proud of you – and us.  On to the next adventure!  


Mommy

oh yeah -and check out this:

[link]

idea i had for a series and never did - it's beyond awesome

[link]

Do it!  


mary

i started out doing solely self portraits b/c i needed privacy to feel and perform

after looking at my new Cindy Sherman book (her exhibit comes to my area next month and I was at the museum last night and grabbed a copy of the book that will go with the exhibition - unpublished work in it and all!!) - i am reminded how gratifying that is, to work alone

Lorraine was the first to compare my early work to Cindy and I had not studied her before - I am forever grateful for the introduction to her work these many years later

i need to buy some prosthetics and more wigs

speaking of - the opposite - working with others - Isabel is coming for my bday weekend and i have a live prop (snort snort) that i hope to get to use - working with her is damn near like working alone - she is my original muse and well, i have no feeling to hold back with her so it's almost as good for me

i hope you guys are doing well


mary

where i asked him questions and he answered......

and he asked questions and i answered.........

real questions - like we've already experienced - like

"mommy what does gay mean?"

"mommy do you believe in God?"

and  i'd love for folks to hear answers to things like

"alex, why do you watch Colbert at the age of  8 years old?"

"alex, why do you watch Doomsday Preparers?"

"alex, what do you mean you think no one else's parents you know talk to their kids like I talk to you?"

etc.  

would you read it?

more later .................


mary

   

happy day everyone!!

 
mary

if i quit posting my work here and my journals?

if i moved to b/ca blogger somewhere that had nothing to do with photography - would you go check it out?  if so -why?

i had a di8nner party toight and made 2 Pinterest recipes-bot hrocked. That makes me laugh.

My gut is telling me that as good as a photographer as I can be at times -when I'm "on" -as a writer -I kill. As in - I need to write.

hmm....


mary

Greetings watchers.

Have all of you had the absolute pleasure of reading Suri's Burn Book?    It is brilliant satire by Allie Hagan.  She wanted to do satire on America's obsession with celebrities and their children, and knew it would come across too hateful from the mouth of an adult. So she speaks through the voice of Suri Cruise and harshly criticizes and comments on celebrity kids and their parents, along with a slight hatred of her mother, Katie Holmes. It is greatness, h ilarious and if you're into fashion at all – spot fucking on.  The commentary is solid fashion snobbery at it's best.  Here is the link: [link]
I've pondered a creative blog idea for years now.   There are so many blogs out there now, I don't want to waste time with one w/out either purpose or true originality. I wanted to do one with my mannequin and call it Me & My Mannequin – but realized quickly that unless I traveled more – it wasn't going to be interesting enough.    I'm a writer first and would love to come up with something fun like above, but nothing yet.  

I miss writing.  I am reading good books again instead of just fashion and smart magazines.  I'm reading Firmin by Sam Savage now about a mouse that eats his way through the NY library's best books and the stories affect him. It's awesome and makes me miss college studying literature. I will write when Alex is older – you cannot really write write without doing it daily – and I simply cannot keep a commitment like that right now in life.

I am now a week past the flu.    I wanted to DIE.  It was insane how bad it made me feel and how catastrophic I got mentally after day four.   I started making insane promises to the health gods and hopefully I will keep at least a few of them.  The only good thing to come out of it was dropping a few pounds of water weight – that is always nice.
The new job is challenging to say the least.  Some days I think I cannot hang.   Other days I realize I am excelling and that evolving/growing can be painful, stressful, etc.  I work with fabulous people and it's encouraging to be around others with ambition and brains.  You just have to remember to just show up in life sometimes – basically never give up – and you will grow, succeed, evolve – despite how some days it seems too painful to care or just hard on the ego to not feel great yet at whatever it is  you do.  

I've been connecting a lot with old girlfriends out of town.  It's been fantastic.  My original crew – my *best* friends – those that know me the best – moved years ago so we're left to the occasional trip every few years and email/text/phone.  Turns out I hate to skype and talk on the phone both for the most part.  I'm sure it's a control issue on my part.  You're sorta trapped. But I love email and texting.    I feel beyond blessed to count MANY of my friendships at around 20 years now.  How bad ass is that?  Friendship takes effort – I FINALLY truly let go of one very old friend b/c it was just such a one ways street at the making effort part.  But I've more than made up for it giving that energy to the ones that clearly enjoy me as much as I enjoy them.  

I am JUST NOW feeling my muse show up here and there briefly, after literally almost a year hiatus of feeling inspired.  I've had fleeting moments but nothing enough to really drive me since my mannequin shoot last January.  But like I said, she's tickling at me so I know it's coming.  I think by March I'll be full on.   Finding a new job last year sucked all my energy for anything else, but it paid off.  

Alex remains bad ass.    He is reasoning more like an adult now – which makes for more angsty conversations sometimes but also makes for remarkable pride in him.  He's so his own person and I love that.  More than most things, I want him to be his "own person" in life – to know who he is so others cannot try to tell him who he is, you know?  It's paying off.  Due to the insanely consistent good grades and reading several grades above himself, he was very excited about being tested for the gifted class. He didn't qualify (though his reading testing was off the charts) – and he initially was pretty bummed.  I suspect it's more about his focus –he's still very much his age and *normal* when it comes to focus for an 8 year old boy.  (i.e. he has none!)  So we talked to him about *filters* and testing and fitting broad spectrums of people into boxes –and how it's so o.k. to not pass whatever their test is – it doesn't have to mean he's not smart enough, good enough – he's just lacking some testing criteria and that is part of life and to be taken lightly.   Then we told him we never got into gifted classes till 5th or 6th grade – that made him feel better.  He seemed to get it and let it go. I was proud of him for caring and then knowing he was still cool.  Otherwise it's still LOTS of Dr. Who, Stephen Hawking, geology, JUDO and astronomy.  We got a telescope for Christmas but it's as hard as learning a new camera!  
Dinner time – gotta run.  Check out Suri's Burn Book and have a laugh!  


Mary

I've been ill for a couple of weeks now with first a cold accompanied by severe allergies followed shortly by the flu.    I haven't had the flu since the 4th grade.    Nothing like being beat down by sickness to make you promise to value your body more.  I want to jog 5 miles a day, mediate at every sunrise and be a vegetarian.  I am not honorable enough for all of this - but I am truly going to hone (even more) my healthful habits.  

Today I believed I might get better finally - and tomorrow, albeit from home, I'll return to working.  (ugh) But trust me - it took very few days to feel lonely, stir crazy, old, depressed, etc.  It also gave me some insight to the depression of the unemployed who have gone weeks, months, etc finding purpose, going stir crazy, clinging to hope when no one is giving them any.

As always, I know how incredibly blessed I am with family, friends and health.  I really want to prioritize health even more as I move focus into middle age.  I turn 46 in about six weeks - I feel like it's time to make some changes and I like the idea of cleansing some to start off  my 46th year.  Hmmmmm - I'll see what my doctor says.    Clean eating is the way to go - I don't believe in fasting or long term silly cleanses.

More later - I suppose just maybe I'll find something to take photos of soon too.  I was inspired this week but just had no energy.  

Hope you guys are healthy and producing art!  


mary

[link]

would love to do a series like this

go check it out


mary

beyond ready for 2012 to move on and start fresh.  it was a good year for me - pivotal even - but the holidays are just over rated and i've changed my attitude on them permanently but in a good way.  it's so not about stuff.  presents.  freakin' expectations.  it's a forced family reunion and well - you just have to make the best of that.  how you do that - practice lots of tolerance, cook a lot, watch funny  movies, get out and see cool stuff and screw what's under the tree.  

i went to ER on Xmas eve one hour b/f the infamous *Christmas Dinner* was to be served at my house b/c while making the stuffed potatoe casserole i lacerated a finger cutting up green onions deep enough to warrant 3 stitches.    it didn't hurt, my Wuzza in Shining Armour was perfect as usual under such circumstances and Alex was freaked out.  24 hours later I've got a bandage and the kid is standing next to a giant stand up TARDIS next to the tree wearing a t-shirt saying "You Never Forget Your First Doctor" and playing with his new sonic screwdriver and all his Skylanders.  he reminds me of the joy of simple stuff - he's easy - he's grateful and he loves his Mommy more than his stuff.  what else could you ask for?

so bring me 2013.  i haven't gone out to take photos in months and i'm starting to feel my muse finally wake up.  good thing - i need her to remind me i'm an artist.

i hope you look forward to 2013 and i hope you don't sweat the ugly sweater you either gave away or received.  it doesn't matter. truly.  find comfort in that instead of anxiety.  

i hope to post something of worth soon.  


mary

i made really big ones a few years ago and am starting 2013 in a really good place.  it's nice to set goals for the coming years and feel uplifted, inspired - you know - more than "getting by".  

ask for more.  

go for it.



i was looking through my gallery and deciding that a)  i like my art and b) i want to make time to keep doing it and do more of it in 2013

so QUESTION:

Do you like your art?

share!      


mary

what do you want to find under the holiday tree on morning?

i am playing Mommy as we speak.  an 8 year old boy is fun to give to this time of year

i wants lots of art and tickets to art and ways to create art and art for my walls and art for my body and on and on....joy, color, expression!!


mary