"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We will fall!"
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.

written by Christopher Logue, a British poet, about Guillaume Apollinaire.



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i'm not going to talk bad about you on the internet - because MY momma taught me better than that

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You;re so vain, you probably think this blog is about you
You're so vain, Ill bet you think this blog is about you -
Don't you? Don't you?

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I quit drinking.



Why, you ask?

Well, according to the scales of how many drinks you can have at your height and weight in Texas before legally drunk to the cops around here, I can't finish one drink and certainly can't have two. Hell - what's the point then?

My husband doesn't drink and I don't like to be anything but sober and totally present in every way for Alex.

The majority of my closest girlfriends either quit drinking themselves, would rather smoke or don't drink at all anyway.

It's full of "empty" calories, and makes me sick a lot of the time.

My judgment goes ALL TO HELL once the "good time" feeling kicks in. It pretty much flips a switch in me that is best left off at this point in my life.

Sooo....

I quit.

You see - I've been on a slow but sure race (think "tortoise") to becoming a "sober" person. I've experienced addictions of all kinds most of my life.

Codependancy
Love Addiction (not sex so much as more of an emotional high school girl thing )
Emotional overeating
Compulsive spending
Drugs & Alcohol

Love addiction was the fiercest one that got me to therapy it caused me so much pain nearly 22 years ago. With that came overcoming the codependancy that triggered it. Then the drug addictions, then the recognition of using food/spending inappropriately. T

The codependancy is a lifelong battle to maintain, which "triggers" the other stuff. Setting appropriate boundaries is often quite painful for me, the "people pleaser" in me and sacrifical lamb personality I have is a huge force to be reckoned with.

I'm doing really well at the moment though. Really well. I am the type of person that, unfortunately, has to push everything to the edge just to see if I can fly. Umm, I can't. I'm human. VERY.

Sooo - I quit. I don't go to AA meetings b/c I'm not an alcoholic. I never went to NA meetings (though I probably could have benefited in the past from them) and I never went to AlAnon (lord knows I could have benefited from those). I did go to Love Addiction meetings at one point (again, the most damaging of my addictions). I'm more of a personal therapy type of girl than a group therapy type of girl. I guess because I started on my personal roads of recovery so early in life, and frankly had so much to tackle, that by the time I got to groups - I always ended up a leader and that's not really where I wanted to be. I wanted to be "lead" for once. (I get sick of being the "strongest" person in the group.)

As I've gotten older, especially since I had Alex, I've purposely culled my friendships and happy to say have made a few very good friends that stimulate me emotionally and artistically and mentally more than because we share the same "bad girl" habits. Don't get me wrong, I will always cherish the "bad girl" inside of me. I needed her to survive for a very long time - and she was always trying to find her way.

"Reformed bad girl"

I need a t-shirt that says that.

It's a bit of a shame that the bad girls seem to have so much fun (we do) and get so much attention from the boys (we do) - but you know - that was never it. It was just ALL I KNEW frankly. I had a HUGE aversion to "boredom". Now I can't imagine being "bored". Fuck - I want to be in bed by 10 pm if not earlier these days.

My very best friend is a "reformed bad girl" too. Kids did it to us both I think. And for me, falling in love and finally getting to the point of realizing that I was MORE than my "bad". There was/is no denying it in me - but yeah, I am more than that.

I don't intend to put away my loud rock music, or quit being open about opinions, or suddenly become sexually shy or whatever the hell I associated as boring or "good girl" stuff - and I certainly don't intend to drop any feminism that I've learned to love. But I am done with the need to sexually manipulate for the fun of it, the need to prove I can party as hard as anyone, the need to be the most popular or fun person in the bar, and most importantly, the need to be OUTSIDE of myself to feel "free".

Thank you Gail. Thank you Wuzza. Thanks Mom.

Thank you to all of you that loved me "bad", love me "boring" and know that you can take the girl out of the party - but you can never take the sparkle out of her eye.


Mary

(more later and lord knows I owe some thumbs!!!!)

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More thumbs? Check previous journals here and the journals of these supportive deviants:



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My Collection of Photos
My Collection of Alex Photos
My Pop whom I love

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