"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"We can't. We will fall!"
"Come to the edge."
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.

written by Christopher Logue, a British poet, about Guillaume Apollinaire.



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i'm not going to talk bad about you on the internet - because MY momma taught me better than that

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You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you You're so vain, I'll bet you think this blog is about you - Don't you? Don't you?

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"We have to dare to be ourselves, no matter how strange or frightening that self may prove to be."

May Sarton

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"Real strength comes from expressing our true feelings and dealing with any negative consequences that may occur."

Unknown

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Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Ever since you moved from your beloved Mrs. Hagen’s class (where you two had a mutual crush ), and on to the 5 year old class – you’ve been getting in trouble at school several times a week playing with a group of boys. First they give you check marks as warnings and then on check mark number two or three – you get your name written on the board. So your parents see your name when they pick you up and you are found out!

You were out sick yesterday, which is very rare for you. You were o.k. past the morning and a short trip to Dr. Levy’s office, where it was declared you just had a tummy bug that was at the end of its course.

So Daddy brought you up to my office and I beamed with pride showing you off. You were charming with your dimples and impressed the men with your hard grip handshake. You know the difference between a “good handshake” and a “bad/weak handshake”. You were courageous and looked everyone in the eye and had conversation – past the initial five minute mandatory “shy” act.

We went to lunch at Rockfish (one of your favorites, you like the blue tortilla chips) and you discovered crab bisque. You pronounced it “better than chicken soup” and “your new favorite soup”. I let you finish my cup of bisque and you ate nearly six packages of crackers soaking it all up.

So today I had promised to take you to McDonald’s b/c I never take you. You’ve truly been less than five times and you’re nearly five years old. It’s so horribly unhealthy I wanted to teach you (and have) that you must only go rarely and always order the cheeseburgers and apple slices and tea. Which you happily do.

Today when I picked you up – you had your name on the board again!! I knew at that moment I shouldn’t take you to McDonalds You had promised to go to school with a good attitude after having been sick and to not get in trouble to get to go. I choked on it – and took you anyway. I knew at THAT moment the time had come – I had to suck it up and start disciplining you. I’ve never really had to much. You’ve been an incredibly easy child. You’ve been in time out less than 20 times in five years. Plus, disciplining you on the spot isn’t hard for me – but you’re older now and time outs don’t work and getting your name on the board at school doesn’t seem to phase you. I can't get a straight story about what happens with you but as I told you, it doesn't matter. 14 other kids didn't get names on the board - and you get two checkmark warnings before you get the name!!

So I told you I was sad. I told you that Daddy and I were going to start taking things you valued away. Jelly beans, cheese, sippy cups, Spongebob, Xmen, playroom toys, big bed time, swimming pool in the backyard, Fountains on Friday night, karate class on Saturdays. Progressive as the week progressed – progressive and cumulative with fresh starts on Saturday mornings. So tomorrow night we’re sitting you down to explain the idea of “rogressive” (gets worse as you get more infractions) and “cumulative” (first it was no cheese, get another one that week and now it’s no cheese or sippy, etc.).

I’m ok now, but I was really torn up last night. It’s all so normal and ok. You’re a good boy – the teacher even says so. You just are enjoying the popularity in the new class of being the class clown and making the kids give you attention. So you act up or join the boys acting up it seems. This is pretty normal coming from your Daddy who often got in trouble in school for being the class clown. Anyway – what makes it extra hard for Mommy to discipline you is a couple of things:

1. It makes me realize the end of the baby era for real. No more baby. No more toddler. No more prioritizing of making Mommy happy. Now you want to make you happy more than Mommy. This is normal and good but alas, I will have to be a “mean” Mommy and take away things and discipline you in more mature ways. It makes me feel separated from you when you’re not happy, pouting or upset or mad at me. Which leads me to number 2.

2. I didn’t have a lot of rules growing up. I didn’t have as much structure as you have growing up. I’m not really familiar with forms of discipline at this age. I also was neglected emotionally in a lot of ways. I know this is hard to see today, Gigi and Grampa Grayson are such perfect parents and grandparents today. But they were truly very young parents and focused more on themselves than me a lot of the time. So feeling separation from you in anyway, is abnormally painful to me. It’s quite psychological and at least I recognize and understand it. But it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with really.

So in the end, I remind myself my number one goal is to be the best Mommy I can be for you. That would be a Mommy that holds you accountable for your behavior. That offers you the structure of discipline. That doesn’t let you blame other kids or your teachers. That doesn’t teach you that it's ok if you don’t follow the rules b/c hey, I love you. That’s just not how the world will work in the future for you kiddo – and the bottom line is, our job is to get you ready for that world. Granted, with love, which we do. We don’t hit you, yell at you, demoralize or shame you – but we still have to discipline you.

The next day, (I'm writing this on Wed. now) you didn’t get your name on the board. You ran to me when I picked you up and said “Mommy, Mommy – I didn’t get ANY check marks or my name on the board today!” It’s almost silly how happy we both were. Let’s hope for more days like today!

Oh yeah – and I wanted to tell you that when you were playing at the McDonalds, some kid called you "girlie" for having painted toenails. (You are way into painting your toe nails different ways right now with Mommy.) Anyway – you came and told me he said that and I reminded you that I had told you more girls than boys did this and that could happen – but you know you’re not a girl so who cares? You went back and he asked you this time “why are your toenails painted?”, with curiosity rather than shame. You said “because my Mommy and I paint them”. He said “but they’re pink and that’s a girl color” (you already know that many girls wear black and even some boys were pink – as I have proven to you in the mall over and over until you finally believed it enough to realize it. Genders don't "own" colors. ). You replied “no they’re not, they’re orange with sparkly black glitter on them!” Then he said “want to see my toenails? They’re just white!”. I was proud of you and the entire conversation. I love that you think of new ways to artistically express yourself. When we got home you wanted it taken off. I was sad until you said “because now I want them glittery white with a blue stripe this way and a hot pink stripe that way!” Which I promptly did for you. Now you want a “toenail party” with Audrey and to paint them yourself. I can only hope this will last.

I better wrap this one up buddy, I need to email Audrey’s mommy to see if they want to go roller skating with us Sunday. I think you'll find it a lot easier than ice skating (that you've now tried twice). I can't wait!!

I am so proud of you and love you more than you will truly ever realize until you have a kid of your own I bet. But what do I know, maybe you realize it now.

Love,
Mommy

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